I so wish I was better at this.....

The title is how I feel about this blog and many other things in my life right now. Things are very overwelming to me right now and I'm trying to get my footing back under myself. I know that God is there but I wonder what is He doing....not that I want some divine intervention but I want something. Something tangible to know that He is there and that I have a purpose here. I want to know that I am loved and worth it....worth anything. Hindsight is definately 20/20 and I know there is NOTHING I can do about decisions that I made in the past BUT I can hold on to God's promises and know that I can have a positive future.

Some things have really smacked me in the face lately and the major one is........I hate who I have become. I have allowed different situations to change who I am and how I behave and treat others....mostly members in my own house. I have become very angry over not feeling wanted or worthy. I have become jaded towards certain situations and people. I want to totally let God to take all this from me and heal this but I"m scared. Scared that I will be too vulnerable....too open and out there to protect myself. Self defense is HUGE in me.

I need to see myself the way that God sees me..

Get Away

I was talking to one of my best friends today and we are both going on a trip without our kids starting this weekend. She is going on a cruise to the Bahamas and I'm so sad that we aren't going with them. The plan was for us and them to go together but some thing happened at hubby's work and he is no longer allowed to have that week off<sigh> Thank God for travel insurance so we got 100% of our money back but still.....so sad. Anyway, we were talking about how much work is involved in going away either with the kids or without. I had to take my oldest to the ortho this am and I decided to see if I could find some new bras on the way home. It was not a good thought out idea, as I had all three kids with me and I didn't go to VS. Got home from all that and we got school done and now I'm wiped out...seriously, wiped out. I need to do laundry and pack but its just not happening and we leave, or supposed to,  in the morning! We have church tonight and I really, really want to go because its a new church and I want to see how Wed nights go. I just don't know how to get it all done. I didn't plan this out good enough and now I'm overwelmed. I'm bummed we aren't going on the cruise and bummed I couldn't find some new bras(totally my fault). So, we will see if myself and the kids actually leave tomorrow or if we will get up early on Friday to go.

But....dinner is in the crockpot and smells delish.....homemade spaghetti! So, thats one good thing!